This year we approach the third Christmas without my daughter / my son’s sister, Leora. The last Christmas we were together was the end of 2002, between her cancer diagnosis and first surgery, and her second stint in the hospital.

The following Christmas, I probably had a worse time anticipating the day, than actually going through it. During the year after she passed, I had ended a relationship, moved to a new place, ventured back into the workforce, and tried to pick up the pieces. I would have just as soon forgotten there was a Christmas.

During the time all these changes were taking place, my move brought me new friends. I moved in with a room mate who was 23 years old - a friend of a friend - who had lost his sister to diabetic complications a few years before. This was a match made in heaven. We began a friendship like I had never known in my life. We both belonged to the same elite club that no one wants to belong to, and as it turned out, we really needed each other. Every night was therapy, as we talked about feelings and events that everyone else would surely die of boredom if they had to listen to us drone on night after night. It was what we both needed.

One thing I loved about Matt was that he was so full of life. At his age, he was a great wrestling opponent for my boys, but at the same time, had wisdom beyond his years due to the experience he had. He had this enthusiasm that I just couldn’t come up with when it was time to be excited about Christmas. I needed the boys to have a fun Christmas. They had such a hard year too. My heart just wasn’t in it. Leora was ALL about Christmas. Nobody loved it more than she did, and I just didn’t know how I was going to do it without her.

One night Matt came home from work with a bag of Christmas lights. That time of my life is still kind of a blur to this day, but I remember the lights. Then came the tree and decorations. The boys were into it right away. I helped decorate, and I got a special ornament for my daughter to put on the tree. Somehow, Matt and my sons dragged me kicking and screaming into Christmas, and I actually enjoyed it!

During the next year, Fran came along, Matt moved on, and life has continued to change.

The next two Christmases have been spent as a little family - just me, Fran and Travis & Sky. It IS a family. Leora will always be missed. I still have my unbearable moments, when I think my heart will bleed and never stop. Her absence is felt at every holiday, and in between, but I have learned something very important.

To feel guilt over being happy when a loved one dies is such a waste of the lives that are still here. It does not mean I love her any less because I laugh or smile. It simply means I know first hand that life is a gift. It can be taken from any of us at any given moment. It cannot be for nothing.

My wish for everyone this holiday is that you grieve a little less, or not as constantly, that you find peace in the chaos that can overtake you, and that you can find a way to laugh and enjoy the holidays with those who are still living.

Jeri Lynn Platt is the founder of Shining Light Grief Support. She has long been an advocate for natural birthing, cesarean prevention, unnecessary medical intervention and the medical rights of the pregnant parent. Grief support was only a part of the support and advocacy she offered until the illness and subsequent death of her fifteen year old daughter in April of 2003 brought her to a new level of education and understanding. An ordained minister (non-denominational), she offers education, spiritual & emotional support, hope and respite for the weary and grief-stricken through the use of a series of support tools, in the hope that we can all be UNstuck in our grief.
Jeri is available for speaking, workshops, one-on-one support and offers a series of grief retreats at some of the most beautiful spa resorts in sunny South Florida.
She can be reached at 954-827-0295, or email jeri@myshininglight.com
Please visit http://www.myshininglight.com

Tags: bereavement, grief, holidays, myshininglight.com, shining light

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